Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You need Xanax blowdarts
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
