alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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