Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize