I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
