dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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