Can i not drive my cunt home
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
