i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
