I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
