Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
