Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
