I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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