sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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