the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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