it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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