It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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