Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
