how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
do nipples grow back?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize