Cold hands, warm shart.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
