Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
