Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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