my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
