He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
