He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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