My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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