That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
