hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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