Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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