She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Girls should come with a carfax report
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
