Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
