there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize