Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
