I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
