I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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