Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
