You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
