i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Randomize
