I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
