please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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