i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Couch. On fire.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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