my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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