allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
