i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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