We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
