I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
