I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
