your parents love me but you hate me
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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