The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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