I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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