Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
