I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Nicole vs. Life
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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