Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
