Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
