I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
