Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
